I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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