Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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