If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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