So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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