I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
