i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
