this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
