I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
