Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
