My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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