i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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