New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
