my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize