Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
