Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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