I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize