dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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