I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize