The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
