I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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