I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
