I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
