I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
