I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
