I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
