I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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