I am puke
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
