lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How naked do you want me to be?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
