pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
