i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
