So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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