His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
