Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
