my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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