I wish I could punch you in the face.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
