It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize