i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i believe in u and ur pee
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize