Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
