I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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