What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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