Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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