I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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