I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
