I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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