just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
