me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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