Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
