Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was like his penis was on wheels.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
