i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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