Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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