Plan B is the new Plan A
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
