I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
