Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
