I feel great
I just peed on a car
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
