Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
