I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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