3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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