Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
