Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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