Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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