The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
