The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
