i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
