mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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