i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
