I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize