do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
